just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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