Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
