just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
