listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
