I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
