it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
