Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dick very happy bro
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
