Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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