I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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