omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
