im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
