i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
