I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
