Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
