I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
