6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
oh god the rape fog is back!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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