my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
