i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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