saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
