Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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