If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Randomize
