I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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