I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
