god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
