pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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