shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
