So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
