you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
