it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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