People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
