I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
