If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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