Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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