I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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