just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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