He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
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Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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