Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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