I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
