when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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