If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks