Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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