Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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