I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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