The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
