I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
