I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
