I cut my penus on the lid.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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