That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
