That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
