trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
