living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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