I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Randomize
