I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This baby is an asshole
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
