New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
