I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
